Hey guys, it’s Matt again. I know you haven’t seen anything from me in awhile so I decided to make a triumphant return by playing a god awful game.

What game? BLOOD BOWL! And holy shit is it terrible.

So what’s this game about? Well, it’s based off an old turn-based table top RPG involving Warhammer and American football.  Sounds exciting, yes?

Well no, it’s not.

So basically Blood Bowl is a fantasy football game taking place within its own Warhammer-related universe and created by Jervis Johnson for Games Workshop back in 1987. This is the second iteration of video games with the first being released for the MS-DOS computers back in 1995  and is filled with automatic dice rolling, lame commentary, and looping crowd cheers more annoying than Justin Bieber’s whiney little bitch voice.

It sucked in 1995, and it still sucks today. Just play the table top if you’re interested, but here we go…

There are two modes involved; “Classic Mode” which is replicated from the table top and uses all the rules and style of play from the 5th edition of the rulebook. Then there’s “Blitz Mode” which strays from the original and here you can buy equipment whilst in the middle of a campaign game or championship, and new tactics for use on the field.

I’d talk about the 0nline mode but I honestly preferred NOT to play with people who actually enjoy this game but you can rest assure there is localized multiplayer and leader boards.

The controls are wacky as hell. I have no idea what’s going on half the time. Mind you, I’m going into this with absolutely no knowledge of the table top game at all, as many will if you ever hate yourself enough to play this. I quite literally was attracted by its awful cover art and thought, “oh yeah, this game is going to be AWESOME!”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Your turn ends when one of your team mates is knocked down by the opposing team, or if you fumble the ball, or fail to pick it up.. or randomly trip whilst moving your character. Just like any table top RPG, you’ll be careful to move around an enemy for they’ll automatically attack you.

"This game SUUUUUCKS!"

The camera angles during the enemies turn switch between a far ground level views from the sideline which results in you not being able to see WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON to a decent, somewhat coherent view.

What the fuck is going on?!

The sound is horrific. Two characters talking as if they were actual commentators, I guess to try and add humor into the game like, “lulz, they’re just Orcs and shit and yet it’s feeling like this is a real game this is ingenious, the retards will love this.” or something. It’s terrible. The constant sound of dice rolling is enough to drive any sane man insane, and any insane man into a blind rage of fury with a thunderous thirst for blood resulting in mass killings at packed shopping malls. I honestly can’t play anymore of this game, but I must continue.

Maybe if I were as drunk as this Dwarf, the game would be more enjoyable.

The left and right triggers will shift through different set pieces before the kick-off, which none really seems to hold any use. Select button will ready your turn whether you’re done setting up manually or you’re done moving your players around. Its setup is like a grid typically from any other strategy game, move certain amount of spaces, but attacking seems to be a bit of a pain in the ass. I may not be the smartest of gamers, hell I did willingly play this, but I couldn’t figure out if you could deliberately attack or just had to wait until the computer was dumb enough to wander passed one of your players.

Graphically, the game doesn’t look as clean as it does in the screen shots which have obviously been polished up. The arenas are pretty cool though, I’ll give it that much. There’s some where it’s an open field, or in the courtyard of a giant kingdom.

I may look badass, but trust me, I'm not.

Let’s see what the competition mode holds, maybe a little run for the cup will be fun…

First match, Bieber Haters vs. Bugmans Best.

Bieber Haters lost the coin toss so Bugmans Best will be receiving the kick-off.

Ball is off!

Some shit is happening, players moving about with no sense of strategy or thought. Okay, Bugmans Best player ran up to one of my guys and punched him in the face, why, I don’t know.  My turn, let’s send some players up field shall we?

Well that was quick; my guy tripped over nothing resulting in him falling and me losing the rest of my turn. What the fuck is going on? I’m done. This is shit, as I’ve said so many times.

I can’t even think of anything funny to say about this game, it’s just that awful. If this was more like NFL Blitz with Warhammer characters, it would be ever so slightly more exciting but it’s a turn based game, based off a turn based table top.

Here’s an idea, PLAY THE TABLE TOP! Why on this god-forsaken planet would you make a game based off a table top RPG and have it play exactly the same? There’s no reason for it. This falls into what I’m constantly saying every time a new game is announced with a stupid fucking idea, “Just because you can does not mean you should.” SO STOP WITH THE IMAGINE SERIES, UBISOFT! But I digress.

This is shit; it’s a game of shit. I wouldn’t wish this game on my enemies as torture. I’d rather be water boarded than play five more minutes. I’d rather wash your Queen’s knickers in my mouth. If you’re into strategy, turn based, Warhammer or American football, stay far away from this game.  Do not waste your money on this shit.

Unless you’re a masochist, or retarded.

Horrible sound, control, design, it’s all crap. Plus, I think it gave me an ulcer.

1/5

(Please excuse my random ranting towards the end.)